Coffee Time Chronicles with Sheena

Hi bestie. We’re doing things a little different today because I need to get some stuff off my chest. Remember how I said in my intro post that some posts would be serious? Well, this is going to be one of those posts. Because quite frankly, I’m spiraling and feel like I’ve lost my sense of purpose.

The Spiral

I’ve been spiraling for a while. I know it. Anyone who talks to me daily and gets to be a part of my deeper thoughts knows it. I’m sure I’ve been driving them all insane. My trigger words and phrases have been popping out of my mouth that indicate I’m headed for that dark hole of depression-

• I’m a burden
• I’m running away
• I’m just going to go silent/shut down for a while
• I don’t want to bother anyone

When these words start coming up, something has triggered me. I feel the need to make myself as small as possible and hide until it passes. This is how I dealt with conflict growing up in a volatile household-retreat and just stay out of the way. I am terrible about asking others for help. I’m the one who takes care of everyone, not the other way around.

Wait. That’s it. That’s where this spiral is coming from….

The Caretaker

I was driving home from my daughter’s basketball game tonight, and I was thinking. Because what else do you do when you have 40 minutes of windshield time, you’re alone, and the music is set to your hyperfixation playlist that you know by heart so you pay little attention to it? It suddenly dawned on me what is going on in my head.

For as long as I can remember, I have been the one to take care of everyone. I was always labeled as a “leader” by my teachers growing up. My brother is almost 6 years younger than me, so I took care of him a lot when he was a kid. When I got to be a teenager, I lived with my elderly grandma and we kind of took care of each other, but toward the end, it was mostly me taking care of her.

I got married young (20). Started a family young. I spent 19 years taking care of my husband. I am not saying this to sound conceited, but I don’t know how the man is surviving without me because I just took care of so much. Appointments (for him and the kids), cleaning, cooking, sports schedules, you name it. I thought it was my job as the wife to handle that stuff so I did. He made the money, I took care of everything else. Even when I was in full on burn out mode, I handled it. The few relationships I’ve had since my marriage ended were the same. I took care of my partner. Cleaning HIS house, baking, cooking, hell, I even filled out insurance paperwork for one.

My children have been the center of my universe for 18 years. Everything I have done since my first was born has been for them. I think most moms feel this way. I don’t know if it’s just built into us or what, but I’m guessing so. Even in the animal kingdom, the mamas do everything in their power to take care of their babies and keep them safe. When I’d rather curl up in a ball and hide all day, I don’t because they need me.

Even at work, I’ve always been the problem solver. In almost every job I’ve had, I have quickly moved into a leadership role because if anyone asks me to take care of anything, I do it. I take great pride in being the one people come to at work when something needs to get done now. I thrive in chaos.

But the last couple of months, I’ve been floundering. My children are getting older and much more independent. Even my little isn’t so little anymore, and she’s with her dad half the time so that leaves a lot of empty time on my hands. This time of year is slow at work, so no fires to put out there. And for the first time in my adult life, the man I’m dating is independent and doesn’t need me to take care of him.

I feel like I’ve completely lost my sense of purpose. What do I do now? I basically feel like I’m going through empty nest syndrome even though the nest isn’t empty yet. I’m finding myself in bed by 7:30-8 pm on the nights the kids are at their dad’s because I just don’t know what else to do with myself. I have nobody to take care of.

So Now What?

Normally, this is the part of the post where I try to leave you with some wisdom, advice, or hope. But honestly, my mind is blank. My chest hurts, my eyes hurt from crying, and my brain feels numb. I can’t answer the question, “So now what?” because I just don’t know. The thought of taking up a new hobby does not sound pleasant. Making new friends sounds scary and awful because I’m kind of an introvert. I’m at a complete loss. But you know what? I will figure it out. Because I always do. I guess it’s time to figure out who Sheena is when she’s not taking care of everyone else.